Rattlesnakes

The next time I start seeing someone, we'll agree to end it over the phone. And no discussion about it either. No whys. No I'll changes. No it wasn't you it was mes. We'll use code words to signify that it's over. To avoid all that. Words that we would never ever use as part of a regular conversation. I'll pick up the phone, someone will say, "rattlesnakes," and I'll know.

Don't know don't know

My father used to draw this diagram, a box with four quadrants. In the upper left he'd write, "don't know that you know". The upper right, "know that you know". Lower left you'd find, "don't know that you don't know". And finally in lower right would be, "know that you don't know". The idea being that we spend time bouncing between those four quadrants throughout our lives. Some times we know that we know, like one plus one is two, and sometimes we don't know that we don't know, like she's never going to leave me.

But, three of those boxes, they don't actually exist. They are illusions that we create for ourselves when we are firmly planted in the don't know don't know quadrant. Which is where most of us will spend our entire lives.

Leaving

Twenty bucks on the sidewalk sends my eyes into scan mode. Is anybody looking? Does this belong to anyone? With nobody paying any attention to me or the twenty at my feet, I bend over, pick it up, and dump it in my pocket.

Further down the street, there's a guy standing there with a cup in hand. He looks Native, and his clothes are dirty and torn. I drop the bill in his cup. He says thanks as I continue on by, and then he looks in his cup and runs after me. Tells me he wants to give me something in return. Says we can duck into the alley and smoke a joint together. I say, "no thanks." Smiling I add, "you keep it for yourself. Enjoy your evening."

Last summer, as I was locking up my bike, this kid asked me for money. I told him I was unemployed, so I didn't have any either. He said that sucked and reached into his cup, pulling out a quarter. He offered it to me. I didn't take it. He asked me why I didn't work, and I said I didn't know. He then told me about a job he used to have where he made thousands of dollars a week, but he started doing drugs and lost the job. But then he was begging on the street and this guy he had never met before got him an apartment and prepaid three of the months and he never saw him again. After he got kicked out of that place he ended up in this communal apartment building, but he had to move out when the rest of the people there identified him as their saviour and started worshipping him.

He told me story after story, me? I never said a word. Only time I spoke was when I told him I had to go. We shook hands, and I continued on my way, leaving him sitting there.

The last time

We'd slept together a few times. We'd talk, a bit, but we spent more time in bed than out of bed. Out of bed I'd usually just talk to his flatmates. I called him up and asked him if he'd like to play pool. He said he couldn't because he was busy. He said the same thing the next week. I stopped calling after that.

When I got invited to his birthday party, I went, and drank and smoked until everything became blurry. I would eventually find myself passed out next to the toilet bowl. But before that happened, I noticed, through all the noise and the light, two people whispering to each other and pointing at me. Later, when we played a game, I was told clearly what team I was on; it wasn't the same one he was on. Upstairs, where it was quieter, I asked him if he was uncomfortable with things between us. He said he wasn't.

The last time I spoke to anyone from that group, it was another birthday party, this one coming up the next day. The person organizing it, when calling to confirm my presence, she asked me how things were going. I said that, as always, I loved the single life. Her mumbled, "yeah. Whatever," was what I heard. When I asked her to repeat what she said, she said she didn't say anything. The phone call ended soon after with a "see you tomorrow" from her, and a, "yeah, tomorrow" from me.