20090615

Hero

She was crying in front of me. She wanted to stay at my place, she wanted me to comfort her, and I wanted to go to bed, get some sleep. I had to work the next day.

She was crying and crying and crying and crying and crying and crying and my hands started to move towards her throat. There was a mantra playing in my head, if I kill her, she will stop. If I kill her, she will stop. And each time I said that to myself, my hands moved closer towards her throat. But what happened instead of her death was, I stopped saying the mantra and pushed her. I pushed her and told her to go home.

That's how I like to believe that happened. I like to tell the story that way, because even though I did something wrong, I stopped myself from doing something worse. I'm a good guy. A hero in a way.

But that isn't the truth. That's not the real story. This is the real story:

She was crying in front of me. She wanted to stay at my place, she wanted me to comfort her, and I wanted to go to bed, get some sleep. I had to work the next day.

She was crying and crying and crying and crying and crying and crying and that sound was getting to me. There was a real risk that she would get her way. That she would control the situation. So I escalated. I shoved her and gave her an order to go home. I laid hands on her, I threatened her, to get my needs met, and it worked.

That's what kind of hero I am.

20090604

Writing assignment

Moving in together means figuring out who's version moves on to the next apartment, and who's gets left behind. My TV, because it's bigger. Her bed, because it's more comfortable. My DVD player, because it has surround sound and the capacity to play CDs. Her computer, because it's more powerful.

And then she's talking by herself. The most I utter is one word here and there.

My arms hang by my side. My face is expressionless. I won't even look at her. She tries to look in my eyes but I stare past her. She asks me questions and hears at most one word in response. Delivered monotone.

She suggests I do a writing assignment to figure out what's going on. I write:

Her computer

-> her stuff -> I have no stuff.

-> she will get to decide everything.

-> she can tell me not to use the computer -> that's where I feel safe -> nowhere to go when things are difficult -> intense panic -> heart attack.